The Dating Experience

Background checks are something that I have heard friends do on people they were dating but it is something I still have not done. I am not sure I would do one, really. I guess I have not reached a point where I felt that was necessary.

On the other hand, I know of at least two cases in which a friend (both women) ran a background check on someone they were seeing. I don’t think the guys did anything negative that would make my friends feel the need to do a background check except – it was more for comfort.

First case:
My friend, in her mid-twenties, met a guy through friends. Everything seemed to be going well and they were starting to get very close. But, there was something about him that bothered her. She ran a background check on him and she found something in the report that she did not like. Mainly, it had to do with drinking but it was enough that she did not want to continue the relationship.

Second case:
My friend, in her early forties, met someone online. Honestly, I really don’t remember the guy doing anything to warrant the background check – sometimes I wonder if it was not an excuse to break up with the guy. The truth is, she was worried she was marrying below her social status (yes, this was someone living in the USA). She was also concerned about the guy’s income potential and credit background. When the background check came back, she was impressed to see that the man she was dating had an income that was better than she expected and a favorable credit report. I always thought the guy was a decent man especially considering everything my friend put him through. About a year after they met, they married.

I cite these two examples to point out that background checks are performed by people of all ages, by people that met online and the different reasons for running checks and their results. I am not sure if you are at a greater risk of meeting someone dangerous by going online but it is interesting to see that in my examples, the online suitor was the one with a squeaky clean record.

I am not sure how I would feel if someone I was seeing ran a background check on me. I guess it depends on where we were in the relationship or why they ran the check. If we had been dating for some time and were very close, I guess I would be offended if she ran a check on me – my feelings would be that if we had come this far and were very close, why did she not feel comfortable in asking me about my possible skeletons? Or, did she not have enough trust in me to believe me? I might be offended, too, if she ran the background check to make sure I made enough money. Is she a gold digger?

I want to hear how you feel about: Would you be offended if you found out someone had run background on you? Has someone run a check on you and what were the results? On the other hand, have you run a check on someone and what was the outcome? What were your reasons for initiating the check?

I’ve had two first dates in the past 5 days with women I met online. They both had great profiles in which they were not afraid to express themselves and to share a little about their interests and desires. Their photos were also pretty good – not great but good enough to spark an interest. (What I mean by this is that you just got an idea about their physical appearance but the photos told a lot about their interests and relationships with friends and family.) In both cases, we had a pretty good dialogue going via emails and phone calls and I was looking forward to meeting both.

Before each date, I took a shower, shaved and took time picking out something nice to wear. This was going to be the first time we met in person so I wanted to make a good impression. Unfortunately, I was disappointed that they did not make an effort to do the same. Both looked like they grabbed the first thing available and threw it on. What’s worse, the clothing made them look completely different from what I saw on their profiles and what I was expecting. I don’t even think they bothered to put on make up!

OK, some of you are saying I am too superficial, right? Here’s my take on this: You should always try to make a good first impression whether it is for business or for love. I have made it clear in my profile of who I am and the type of mate that I am looking for. The way these women showed up is totally out of character with what I am looking for. Furthermore, if you are not willing to try to look good for a first date, things can only go down from here (at least for someone with my expectations).

I am not sure why people think that online dating means you can throw caution to the wind when dating. ‘Accept me as I am’ is what people think. While that is a valid desire, first you have to want people to be attracted to you. Let’s face it, most people meeting you for the first time are not going to notice your wonderful character first. They are going to first be physically interested in you. I don’t know about you but the process goes something like this for me: “She looks interesting, I should go over there and get her story.” Yes, it is possible to be first attracted to people by their humor or intelligence but this is something that can’t always be judged from across the room or via an online profile.

The most important reason I think you need to make a good first impression with someone you first met online is because of competition. Take me for example: in the last 10 days I have had three first dates. I know of people that have a first date almost every day. The truth is that people that are dating online have a short attention span and or patience. I don’t mean to say they suffer from ADD. Instead, they may have a new profile show up on their mailbox that looks just as or more interesting than the last one. I have had this happen to me several times: I have what I think is a good dialogue with someone and all of the sudden she disappears – no emails and her profile is gone before I even get to meet them in person.

Making a first impression does not mean just concentrating on your physical appearance. I know first dates can be awkward but you also need to be at your best – have something to say, show some interest. I have gone out with several women that had interesting emails but once we were on an actual date they just sat their with a smile, saying nothing or only answering ‘yes’ or ‘no’. I thought they were bored and decided not to pursue them. Later I would get an email from them telling me what a great time they had and that they wanted to go out again – really?!