The Dating Experience

Background checks are something that I have heard friends do on people they were dating but it is something I still have not done. I am not sure I would do one, really. I guess I have not reached a point where I felt that was necessary.

On the other hand, I know of at least two cases in which a friend (both women) ran a background check on someone they were seeing. I don’t think the guys did anything negative that would make my friends feel the need to do a background check except – it was more for comfort.

First case:
My friend, in her mid-twenties, met a guy through friends. Everything seemed to be going well and they were starting to get very close. But, there was something about him that bothered her. She ran a background check on him and she found something in the report that she did not like. Mainly, it had to do with drinking but it was enough that she did not want to continue the relationship.

Second case:
My friend, in her early forties, met someone online. Honestly, I really don’t remember the guy doing anything to warrant the background check – sometimes I wonder if it was not an excuse to break up with the guy. The truth is, she was worried she was marrying below her social status (yes, this was someone living in the USA). She was also concerned about the guy’s income potential and credit background. When the background check came back, she was impressed to see that the man she was dating had an income that was better than she expected and a favorable credit report. I always thought the guy was a decent man especially considering everything my friend put him through. About a year after they met, they married.

I cite these two examples to point out that background checks are performed by people of all ages, by people that met online and the different reasons for running checks and their results. I am not sure if you are at a greater risk of meeting someone dangerous by going online but it is interesting to see that in my examples, the online suitor was the one with a squeaky clean record.

I am not sure how I would feel if someone I was seeing ran a background check on me. I guess it depends on where we were in the relationship or why they ran the check. If we had been dating for some time and were very close, I guess I would be offended if she ran a check on me – my feelings would be that if we had come this far and were very close, why did she not feel comfortable in asking me about my possible skeletons? Or, did she not have enough trust in me to believe me? I might be offended, too, if she ran the background check to make sure I made enough money. Is she a gold digger?

I want to hear how you feel about: Would you be offended if you found out someone had run background on you? Has someone run a check on you and what were the results? On the other hand, have you run a check on someone and what was the outcome? What were your reasons for initiating the check?

Speed dating or pre-dating sounded like a good idea: you go to a restaurant or club and you meet with others that are single and looking for a relationship. You are not as worried about striking up a conversation with someone that is already in a relationship. If they are there it is because they are available and looking.

How it works
Usually, they have different pre-dating events based on age groups or other demographics (I have seen some based on ethnicity and religion). This is good since I might feel out of place in a room with a crowd that was much younger than me or older, for that matter (unless I was looking for a sugar mama!).

There are too many candidates for you to meet them all in one night. Instead, the organizer has already selected a number of people for you to meet. There is time before and after the “dating” period for you to meet anyone that you may be interested in. The two pre-dating events I was at, the women would remain at the table and the men would move from table to table (based on where they were assigned to go).

You may think that 5 minutes or 8 minutes may be too short and it can be. In these cases, I tried to meet up with the person after the dating period finished. Sometimes, 8 minutes can be an eternity if there is no chemistry or if the other person is the quiet type – this happened on to me on numerous occasions.

Before the start of the dating period you were given a paper on which you were supposed to put down your impressions. If you found someone you were interested in pursing, you would then put pass this on to the organizer. After the event, you were informed if there was a mutual attraction or if there was someone that was interested in you. (You find this out via email or the website.)

I did meet several people that I thought were interesting but not necessarily someone that I wanted to date. Just because there is a room full of available people does not mean there will be an attraction or chemistry between any of them.

Most of the people I talked to at the pre-dating event had tried this before and were happy with the process. I liked it because it gave me a chance to meet people in person from the start. But, it did feel like an interview. A more accurate comparison would be an elevator pitch in that you have a predetermined (short) amount of time to say why you would be a good catch.

It’s been a while since I have done one of these speed-dating events but that has more to do with scheduling. Given the chance, I would not mind doing it again.